You are only half done with your household chores, and you are already burnt out. The kids are yet to be in bed, and the number of dishes is staring at you. After seeking help, they sign and respond irresponsibly. It does not help that this is not your partner’s first excuse. All of a sudden, the weight of the unbalanced duties begins to overwhelm you. If this situation feels relatable, you may be facing weaponsized incompetence. It is a term being used to define a relationship where a person is stuck doing the same chores continuously because their counterpart always makes the same excuse.
Social media has driven awareness of this concept. However, it raises concerns among netizens presently. It is a psychological dynamic that often takes place. Let’s understand what weaponized incompetence is and how it impacts your relationship.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence is a psychological phenomenon where an individual rejects or avoids doing something and uses their ‘incompetence’ as an excuse. It can take place in relationships, mainly in committed, romantic relationships or marital relationships. However, it may also take place within the workplace and between friendships.
It is when a partner in a relationship knowingly or unknowingly does a task poorly to avoid performing responsibilities in the future. This may encompass avoiding household chores and shifting responsibilities to their partner, or refusing to improve at doing some tasks even when their partner seeks help. In some scenarios, the partners use weaponized incompetence to shift blame to their partner for not revealing how to complete a task.
Some of the examples of conducting weaponized incompetence include:
Individual 1: The clothes are getting wrinkle after doing laundry. Could you do it properly next time?
Individual 2: Oh, I am not good at doing laundry; you do it better than me. Maybe you should do laundry next time.
If you want help, you can read what Tymoff study says.
Why is it Impactful?
Weaponized incompetence can result in resentment and harm trust in a relationship. When responsibilities fall entirely on a single individual, it can create tension and hostility in the relationship, making the person feel ignored. This relationship can also be harmful when kids are there, as weaponized incompetence is frequently used by a partner to avoid parenthood responsibilities. It cultivates toxic behaviours among the kids. They expect that one parent is more trustworthy than the other. This also contributes to an unrealistic expectation for what the kid should expect in their own relationships.
What are the Signs of Weaponized Incompetence?
How to identify weaponized incompetence? Here are some important points:
Consistent Excuses
A sign of weaponized incompetence is some particular phrases that are repeatedly used as excuses. Focus on how often your partner, friend, loved one, or colleague is using these phrases. Find out when these phrases consciously divert the focus and weight of the responsibility onto you or another person.
- Common phrases include:
- I’m not good at this work
- You do this job better than me
- I know how to do this, but it will take more time. You do it faster
- I never do it the right way
- I know you enjoy doing this work
These phrases can be expected mainly while doing some tasks, like
- Household cleaning (We have an article on where to start when cleaning a house that can help you and your partner)
- Buying and dividing groceries
- Cooking food
- Child care
- Making financial and time decisions
No Effort to Improve
Frankly speaking, the solution to weaponized incompetence must not be pretending to know everything you do. No one is perfect at every chore. However, the important thing is making an effort to improve at some of these jobs, mainly when it is asked by your partner. In some situations, a person may not have the specific skills to perform the function. In that case, what you should expect is an effort to improve their behaviour. You may expect the efforts to learn the skill to do it better next time.
Using the term ‘Help’
In a relationship, when you share spaces, chores, and other responsibilities, it is essential to focus on the words used by the partners. Using the term ‘help’ may seem innocent, but it is not in real life. It can suggest an unequal dynamic between the two individuals. For instance, phrases like I will help you with the kids or I can help you with the cleaning could also suggest weaponized incompetence. This is due to the fact that the partner is working under the belief that the other person is always accountable for doing those tasks.
Blaming
Another crucial factor is shifting the blame to another person. For instance, your partner may do the cleaning the wrong way and shift the burden to you. It also triggers a red flag if it occurs repeatedly.
How to Tackle Weaponized Incompetence?
Managing weaponized incompetence could be problematic, but not impossible. The first job is to consider that the tasks are not divided equally. Furthermore, you should
Take note of what you are facing: When you face weaponized incompetence in your relationship, the first thing you should do is pay attention. You can note things down and store some data on who does the task and what is actually happening. This can help you identify the pattern.
Set clear boundaries and goals: Boundaries should be set, and communication should be clear while addressing weaponized incompetence. You can share this through transparent communication. It may feel easy to perform the job than to wait for others. However, do not continue this thinking. Stop it today.
Organize tasks fairly: It can help you divide your jobs in a way that finds every person’s strengths and weaknesses. Whereas, this also reduces the burden on one person. It is thus beneficial to organize tasks that fit your abilities and strengths. If you are a parent and looking for work-life balance in a busy life, read this.
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